Some days are harder than others, I look at my darling girl's little face and wish with everything I have I can scoop her up and take her with me. The pain of not being able to bring my baby home, is some days, unbearable. ill sit and cry for no reason other than I desperately crave to have my baby home. I never got to hold her when she was born, I only got to see her for a few minutes before they took her to theatre for her very first operation. She was 2 hours old. I'm her mummy I should be there at every single minute to hold her and care for her and keep her safe.
I guess that's one of the hardest things to think about, I wonder, did I do this to her? what if one days she hates me for having to go through all of this? will she understand? I know she will, but these are the horrible emotions I have been going through for months now.
I yearn for the sleepless nights, the dirty nappies, the crying, because that is what being a mum is all about. I sometimes feel like i'm not a mum again because i don't get to have Jessie at home.
I want to be the one thing she knows is safe. I created one of the most amazing things in the world and the world doesn't know about her and they should because she is AMAZING. I look at her and fall in love every day. I just wish with all I have in me that I had my Jessie bear home with me. I don't feel whole as a woman.
Everyday when I walk through the doors at the hospital I see a new mum taking home their brand new baby. They look tired yet blissfully happy in their own little world. I sometimes cry as I walk up to Jessie's room because I cant be sitting there with packed bags, flowers, balloons and teddies ready to go home. I have known for a long time I wouldn't get to take my baby out those front doors for god knows how long, yet it still upsets me.
She is not so different from the rest of us, she just wont really have a belly button, and it seems so superficial to think my daughter might be teased one day for this (I know how teenage girls can be) But I know that we will show her one day how much she had to go through. Up to 20% of Gastroschisis babies do not survive. Reasons vary as to why some don't make it, so for that reason Jessie needs to know that she is very special.
Mothers day this weekend will be hard with out having my baby girl home with me, but ill have time with both of my beautiful daughters, even if it has to be at the hospital for part of the day. I know I am extremely blessed to have these two girls in my life. They say that babies hold the meaning to life... I think they ARE the meaning of life. Falling in love every time I see them is my idea of heaven.